1) We have the ability to control how future conversations play out:
One of the most frequently employed uses of control is in the anticipation of future conversations. Whether it be a tough conversation with a partner, or an anxiously awaited favor to ask a friend, our brains tend to try and bargain for control. This frequently looks like going through every possible potential response, just to be safe. While this can seem beneficial, it can often lead to overthinking and believing in the worst possible outcome, ie “how will I respond if they say no, and then hate me”. Understanding that other people’s anticipated responses are completely random, and often not what we think, takes the pressure off of ourselves in trying to “prepare for the worst”.
2) We can change how a conversation/event went in the past:
This is one of the most common and detrimental illusions of control that people deal with. A tough conversation or interaction happens in the past, and we try to go through it in our minds and dissect where it went wrong/how we can do better next time. While helpful in theory, people often realize what they’d change almost instantly, and then spend the next couple minutes or hours of their day ruminating on how they should’ve reacted differently. Relinquishing this idea of control over past events leads to forgiveness in ourselves, and less of an expectation to be perfect in all circumstances.
3) Because I was able to control a previous problem, I can do the same in the future:
Sometimes, people are able to quell their worries with action, and essentially “control” their anxious thoughts. An example would be noticing and worrying that you’re out of medication, calling your pharmacy to re-up on a late prescription, and being told “thank you, we’ve made sure to order it”. This anxious thought was fixed with a tangible, action-oriented phone call, and then “solved”. Unfortunately, this is not the case with all anxious thoughts, and gives the illusion of being able to control and fix the anxious thinking. Other common worries such as “will the economy crash” and “why does this person not like me” are unable to be controlled or “solved”, but our minds still try and bargain for an actionable answer. Instead of painstakingly trying to find a way to solve the worry, attempt to accept that some worries are unsolvable. These worries may have no end, and understanding this can help prevent overthinking and arduous thought spirals from continuing.
If you’re looking for help navigating the ideas of control, we can help. Contact Max Boenisch at max@treehousecounselingoregon.com or visit Max’s profile here.
