Navigating separation and/or divorce is difficult for everyone involved, including
children. However, there are several ways to make this significant life adjustment easier
on your children.
1.) Validate their emotions, & remind your kids this isn’t their fault.
It’s natural for children to feel many different kinds of emotions when finding out
their parents are separating. These emotions can range from sadness, anger,
denial, guilt/self blame, fear, anxiety, and confusion. If your child experiences any
of these, it’s important for them to be able to process these emotions as they
come. It may also be helpful to let your child know that it’s natural for them to
feel whatever it is they are feeling. Additionally, many children may feel at fault.
They may blame themselves, or question if anything is wrong with them. With
that being said, it may be helpful to have an age appropriate conversation with
your kids, and let them know that the separation/divorce is, and never has been, their
fault. In the same conversation, mention that they are, and will always be, loved.
2.) Do not talk negatively about the other parent in front of your child.
It’s completely normal for parents to have negative feelings towards the other
parent, especially if the divorce is to be considered high conflict.
However, expressing these negative feelings to your child or to other people in
front of your child can cause harm. Your child may have a loving, safe
relationship with the other parent and hearing the negative comments can cause
a betrayal of trust in one or both parents, or it may cause anxiety for them as they
may feel forced to pick a side. Children shouldn’t be responsible for picking
sides, and their relationship with the other parent should be respected.
3.) Maintain a consistent routine at both houses.
A divorce causes a disruption in a child’s daily routine. They have to learn how to
go from having one house with both parents to having to alternate between two
different houses. When navigating this change, it’s best to schedule meals and bedtimes
at regular times at both houses so that your child can know what to expect. Additionally,
having the same sets of rules and boundaries at both houses can also help your child
navigate this change.
4.) Don’t give your child the responsibility of being a messenger for the parent.
Sometimes, it can be tempting to want to avoid talking to the other parent.
However, giving your child the responsibility to be the parent messenger can
create harm. Not only can words become lost in translation, but your child may
end up feeling responsible for managing the feelings between parents.
5.) Do your best to coparent respectively.
Divorce can be incredibly messy and heartbreaking. It’s valid for parents to feel
betrayed and hurt by the other parent, and sometimes it may be helpful for
parents to maintain a support system full of loved ones, or seek their own
counseling in order to process these feelings and be able to coparent well.
Even if you don’t like the other parent, it’s still useful to learn how to coparent
respectively in order to promote your child’s well being. You don’t have to be
friends with the coparent or engage in small talk, however it’s vital to be able to
come to an agreement on house rules, boundaries, and discipline.
Furthermore, being able to provide effective updates during drop offs, such as
illness, school, health, sleep changes, eating changes, and behavior will help
ensure that you’re both on the same team, which is providing care for your child.
If you find life difficult to manage during a divorce or in general, please reach out to one of our qualified providers to schedule an appointment.
Sources:
Divorce — Helping Children Adjust – Department of Mental Health. (2024, May 28).
Department of Mental Health.
https://dmh.lacounty.gov/our-services/employment-education/education/divorce/
Ehmke , Rachel. “Supporting Kids During a Divorce.” Child Mind Institute, 15 May 2024,
childmind.org/article/supporting-kids-during-a-divorce/.
